"Associative Looseness"

September 16, 2007
2:00 AM

It rained a while ago; its heavy downpour gave this arid feeling and the smell of freshly watered dry soil. I turned off the lights inside the house, except for the little bulb in the kitchen. I don’t need light; the one coming from my laptop was already enough. I usually turn off the light outside my apartment, the one lighting my door, for at this time of the night nobody would be walking anymore, nobody would be awake anymore, except me… but I was wrong.

My roommate left this afternoon to visit her family. So I was left alone in the apartment, with the cat. I’ve been quite comfortable with this arrangement since I am a night owl and I usually do my work at nights and I go to bed really late. So being alone at nights somehow gave me my privacy and solace to think and study. I liked my nights alone, I like having the apartment all by myself, I like answering to nobody but myself… until the banging came.

The lights were off inside and outside; I was busy studying with my laptop. The cat was fooling around trying to bite my bag and I was shooing her away… when all of a sudden the chains on my door rattled, then I heard someone or something trying to push open my door, fiddling with the locks…

My heart raced, I jumped from my seat and immediately turned on the lights outside. Luckily I was just in the living room, where I could hear even the slightest bits of noises. I was scared to open the window to see who or what it was that’s causing the noise – so I just stood still, behind my door, waiting for it to fling open and readying my escape plan. I tried to figure out the shapes and silhouettes outside, squinted my eye against the opaque window just to make sure nobody or nothing was standing in front of my door. I saw no figure, I saw no movements, and I heard no noise.

Just the beat of my heart about to jump out of my chest… even the cat tried to see who was outside. But it was total silence. Until now that I’m writing this, it just happened 30 minutes ago and still, total silence…

Now, I can’t seem to sleep. I’m scared to fall asleep I might not wake up anymore. Or worst, I might wake with someone looming over me or with an excruciating pain that I was stabbed or shot or something. Blood all over me… gross.

I don’t want to die like that. I want to die peacefully, and quick. No pain.

Who’s going to take care of my cat when I’m gone???

I have come across the same terrains again. Familiar dirt road and recognizable lamp posts; all reminiscent of the things that happen over and over and over again.

Yet I still tread it every time. Unfaltering. Unwavering.

I clutch my heart at my sleeve; afraid it might eventually fall off. I scurry at the slightest bit of apprehension. I look around for some additional information that might help my journey less miserable. Shorter and fruitful even, a fool’s hope. At times I soar like an eagle, optimistic the whole way through. Unstoppable, aggressive, risky to the point of stupidity.

I held my breath and pretended to die. I lifted up my hands and imagined I could fly. I immortalize my pain through my writings; the never-ending memento mori I am preparing. Perhaps, like some best-regarded poets and writers, whose works were only recognized after their deaths; mine wouldn’t be any difference. More so, maybe my seemingly insignificant existence could be used as an excuse for something bigger than life. Then I… matter, eventually.

I cry at the top of my lungs. I tried to pull my eyes from its socket but could not. So, I sat there whimpering like a beaten, wet dog. Triumphant in my agony. Then the sun came and shined upon me again.

But then, tell me… how come I’m passing the same terrains, again?

The uphill and downhill slopes; the dust welcoming me at every turn; the smoke coming from the chimney of my broken self; how long will the wings on my feet last? How much more can the rope attaching my veins to reality endure?

And if I come to cross the same terrains again, I pray to God, help me.

I saw a man flying in EDSA today. I thought there was a parade of some sort or the taxi cab hit a garbage bin; for a lot of chicharon flew off into the air-- then a man in a somersault somehow joined the charade. Then I blinked.

Moment seemed to freeze as we pass by slowly to take a look at the unconscious vendor on the middle of the road. Cars honking and everybody seems to be in a slow motion. Thick, dark red blood oozes out from his nose and was shining against the light of the sun. He was still. Unmoving. And so are we.

I felt guilty. I am a Nurse. What would you do in a situation like that? I was on my way to the hospital for a job interview with my friend, who was driving, and who owns the car. A 2-door car, which makes it difficult for us to stop and take the man in and rush him to the hospital. First, in a vehicular accident you should not move the victim for the risk of doing more damage in the spinal cord or anywhere, wait for the proper authorities to move him. Second, we are both women and for God's sake we can not fit him in the backseat lest we removed ourselves from the car first! And also, we can not carry him.

So we sped away, hoping to see MMDA in the road to report the accident (where were they when you needed them the most?). We passed by the yellow taxi who hit the vendor being flagged down by a black Ford. Then a passenger, a woman, came out. What a nerve! She doesn't even have the decency to stop the driver and tell him to take the victim to the hospital. She just went along for the ride. Good thing somebody flagged them or the driver would have gone away with reckless driving resulting to homicide?

This is the second time actually that I saw a man fly. It gives you the creeps and the image, amidst the noise of EDSA seemed to take a recording of it's own. It's like a THUG! Screeechhhh!!! Except that the screeching sound was not from the Taxi that hit him. It was from the passersby who had it in them to stop and be awed by the raw action laid in front of them.

However, you can not really blame the taxi driver for the vendor was not within his legal rights to be in the middle of EDSA. It's a no-passing zone. As the famous pink billboard says “Bawal Tumawid, Nakamamatay!” But as a human being, it is the responsibility of the driver to be concern and bring the victim to the hospital. Hoping it's not too late. I hope that vendor would be okay. Risking your life for how many cents in every cigarette bought; for how many peso in every chicharon bought, or mineral water, or just about anything.

It was just shocking I guess. I'm hoping i won't see one anymore again.