"Associative Looseness"

Directed by Marc Webb
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the love struck Tom and Zooey Deschanel as the elusive Summer

This is a story of boy meets girl, boy falls in love but girl doesn’t.

Tom met Summer at the greeting card company where he works as a greeting card writer while Summer is an assistant to the manager. This was a case of love at first sight, for Tom. Summer is the type of girl who as Morgan Freeman puts it (the story is narrated by Morgan Freeman) a rare quality of a woman who gets 18.4 double takes while just simply riding a bus. In short, she’s the hot girl next door. Tom was just another loser who’s out of her league.

The movie is chronicled by the day they first met, they first talked, and they first had their day out (as compared to date since they were only “just friends” and the days of the heartbreak after it. Tom and Summer had a lot of things in common and for Tom, Summer is the one; which is not the case for Summer. She was not looking for a relationship or a boyfriend. In fact she doesn’t even believe in love. She just wants to “hang” with Tom, hold hands, pretend to be husband and wife at the appliance store, kiss at the copy room and have shower sex with him. She just wants to be friends… which then led to Tom’s wanting to put a label on it… that started the trouble.

Day 154, Tom admitted to himself he’s in love with Summer and how he loves everything about her. Even hearing the song “She’s Like the Wind” every time he thinks about her.
But then things just changed and she said they have to stop seeing each other. Day 290, Summer left Tom.
Tom had endured the ups and downs of the 500 days of being with and getting over Summer. After realizing that he will never be able to get her back he tried fixing his own life and went after his dream of becoming an architect. He also found out that the reason Summer left him was because for her, he is not the one. She found the one shortly after they broke up and she married him. Echoing to Tom the same sentiments that he has the first time he saw her, saying its fate and destiny. That was Day 488.

Day 500… Tom was in line for a job interview in an architect firm. Sitting across him was a girl who shared the same love for his favorite spot overlooking the city. They banter and Tom was drawn to her. He invites her out for a drink and she declined at first…but then she threw caution to the wind and said yes. Tom introduced himself and she smiled and said her name is Autumn.

Tom smiled… Day 1 of Autumn starts.
Though the plot is very simple, the movie was able to convey the happiness you feel when you’re in love and the sadness of being dumped. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy and occasionally chuckle at the senseless things couples do together that makes simple things memorable. It showed that things will never turn out the way you expect it to. Technically it was not a happy ending since they didn’t end up together, but just showing that after every Summer, Autumn comes next… literally and figuratively.

Tuesday. Three more days till I leave a job I learned to love for five months. I was apprehensive at first about being an online English tutor for Koreans. It seems that this has become the job trend for the new blood. That is – jobless, newly grad, experience-less job hunters. I don’t belong in that group, heck no! I was comfortable sitting at home with my laptop, my cat, with the television and DVDs; until I craved to see the sun everyday, and see people in live action.

Hence, I applied. Got accepted and five months later, I resigned.

The experience was refreshing, for the first time I was surrounded with people my age or younger. In my previous jobs I was the youngest usually and the people I mingle with were mostly old men in their barongs and suits.

I must say I had a hard time saying goodbye. I was torn between two clashing rocks and there’s no way for me to escape but to drown or fly – I chose to fly. I will miss the people who accepted me for who I am and listened to all my rants about that concept who haunted me listlessly. I chose to break free and admit defeat and insipidness of my actions, and my existence. Who am I kidding? I like the people but I don’t like being taken advantage of. I must therefore assert myself and stand to my rights and say goodbye to a system that is bound to fail (I hope not, for the other employees’ sake). However, only people constitute that system so probably remove those people and the system would run smoothly, eh?

Nonetheless, I will surely miss the good times.

Thank you for the opportunity.

When you are faced with a reality and confusion of your doing, it gets so hard to stand up and admit that it's all your fault.. and you're willing to take the consequences for it.

It takes a lot of courage to be able to finally say, “It's okay, I'll be fine. Everything that we have will remain a memory, a good memory that will haunt me in my waking hours.” But it takes a lot more courage to gather your things and walk away... just walk away.

Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt and the incoming misery that you would only feel once it's over. You promised yourself you wouldn't cry; you promised to yourself you wouldn't beg nor ask for one more chance. I applaud you for doing so, for sticking with what you said you would do --

But I applaud you more for staying; against all odds; you stayed. I applaud you for not giving up, for having a bit of courage to stay – just for a little while. For a little while.

And yet, you managed you fix what was broken; you managed to hang on and kept your grip onto it. For what you have together is a treasure; a priceless non-entity that exists only in both of your hearts; and that no matter where you go or what you do; you have made a mark and carved your own niches in each other; that there will only be emptiness when one is absent; there will only be longing when one is away.

That kind of attachment, that kind of bond, that kind of connection – is what you call TRUE LOVE.

I went out last night, my first time in a long time with my old good friend Rica. We’re supposed to hang out at her cousin’s bar but she had invites to this Girl’s Pre-White Party at a friend’s bar in Malate. So off we went.

I met interesting characters before we went there; Rica’s workmates from Sykes, First up is Lyle and then G (which I later found out it’s Chie pala). They are very nice lively people. We immediately had it going and all of us fooled around, along with Irish and Jaye.

We boarded a taxi – the six of us -- parang yung commercial about 6-sik in the taxi. It’s a good thing the driver tolerated it.

At the bar, mysterious characters floated around. We got free tickets (c/o of Chez. Thanks very much!) and ordered the night out –- though I didn’t remember who paid for my drinks, I think it was Rica so I just bought them breakfast at a bulalo place somewhere in Manila.

There were dancers on the ledge, pole dancing and stuff. One particular girl, in an all-white garb caught my attention, I was not really sure if she’s a girl or something else. I brought up my concern to the owner and she just said she doesn’t know her; maybe she is because I think she looks like it. Then they laughed at me. Man, I wasn’t drunk yet.

The party was okay, rowdy and loud and full of people. I met some old friends and patched things up with one. Some I don’t even remember anymore, some I did. Some introduced themselves, and hoping I won’t forget in the morning.

There’s these two (2) people constantly haggling us and they were after Chie; who got scared and moved away. Pretending to be hooking up with another friend just so they would stop bugging her.

At my third beer, I was oblivious with things around me, I was hugging everyone, dancing with them and really lost my inhibitions. I was having fun, but my company was thinking otherwise, that I was not my usual self, that I was dead drunk to be doing those stuff – but they’re wrong, I am completely in control of my actions; the difference was just that hindi na ako kasi nahihiya.

So what people are saying about not remembering anything after a night of heavy drinking is not true. You are completely aware of what you’re doing; it’s just that you can’t stop yourself because it is that inner desire that works on you. Alcohol brings out the wild side in you; the hidden desires in your subconscious will be acted upon by your ego. The ID is working its way out. And you will remember everything in the morning, and try to get away from responsibility by saying you don’t remember. Denial is always the best recourse.

So at my fourth beer, friends were concerned about my well being, one even took me outside to have a breath of fresh air. Then we had a conversation. This certain friend had been a good buddy of mine almost 5 years back; but due to some circumstances I cleared away from them. They were my party friends, and I simply just refused to go out, I got tired partyin’ and settled in my nice little cocoon with my beloved. Every time they would invite me out, I would say yes and then would not show up. I guess they got tired inviting me. Until last week, hence last night.

I mentioned about patching things up with a friend. The reasons are blurred now and honestly, now, it doesn’t even matter. I don’t care anymore. That kind of attitude gets to you when you grow up and you mature and realize that the things you think were so serious before seems very silly now. As you move on you are heading towards a goal and childish rifts are considered nonsense.

As for me, I just want to have a good time and everybody around me to have a good time, too with me.

This revelation will always be reminded by a scar below my left breast from a cigarette when they hugged me. Oh, well. That’s life. You learn something then you get scarred for life.

So the thesis statement of this wondrous parable is that: Just have fun, don’t take things so seriously. Go out and party!

Bow.

We started speaking,
Looked at each other, then turned away.
The tears kept rising to my eyes.
But I could not weep.
I wanted to take your hand
But my hand trembled.
You kept counting the days
Before we should meet again.
But both of us felt in our hearts
That we parted for ever and ever.
The ticking of the little clock filled the quiet room.
"Listen," I said. "It is so loud,
Like a horse galloping on a lonely road,
As loud as a horse galloping past in the night."
You shut me up in your arms.
But the sound of the clock stifled our hearts' beating.
You said, "I cannot go: all that is living of me
Is here for ever and ever."
Then you went.
The world changed. The sound of the clock grew fainter,
Dwindled away, became a minute thing.
I whispered in the darkness. "If it stops, I shall die."

Quickly hide from the treacherous hound
Of a man who howls looking for its next prey
Abandon stance of hope for the futility of action
Run like a sprinter for salvation.

Kept within the hollows of those wretched souls
He slumbers feeding in every thought
Of desire, misery, dejected love and desolation
That makes yearning for eternal isolation.

Tears flowing through cheeks of red
Gasping between life and death
Nourishes his repugnant existence
Enlarging this bastard by inches!

Dare not a thought of him remain
In your heart and in your brain
There will never be a thing regain
If fallen with this bastard again!

The scorching heat of the sun
dries the sweat at his nape
yet drops of it still come
from the sides of his face


He turned around, chest exposed
the invisibility of torture unseen
marks of a whipping drapes his soul
thick black liquid surrounds him

the unshaven face bears no resemblance
to the man he was once
he clings onto the blade of ignorance
praying for a chance

the once strong body now lay wasted
eyes wide shut
his kisses bears an air of coldness
turning skin...to ashes.

The teddy bear you're holding,
smells like sweet perfume...
like the man in my arms,
cuddly, huggable, and kissable.
The wild bears in contrast,
longs to rip your flesh apart,
like the man in my arms
who left and tore my heart.

Click Published at Poetry.Com
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Copyright ©2007 ILC

April-17-04

Redeem me, my brave warrior
Amidst the marshes of death and towers of fear
Run to me with all your might
Shield me with your love.

Beneath your sole you’ll see my face
Etched at the very core of you
And with your armor you’ll come prepared
For the battle of the living

And draw your sword, give me your life
Fight until your last breath
Till the sun starts to rise from the west
Till all you have to battle is yourself

Imagine me, a waterlily lost in the ocean of san
Life slowly dripping away
It’s petals withering craving for thirst
Imagine me, in your grasp

Go and with your steed be the knight
Of love and grace, and of might
Encage not a memory in your mind
Set me free to soar the skies…

March 5, 2004

Lay down, beneath the pale moonlight
In my arms surrender,
Give me all your might
Quench my soul’s thirst
For the blood of your spirit colliding with mine.
Set me free, free from this pain that’s haunting me.

Let me in, take my hand across the shores
Carry me, my body’s weary from all the troubles,
Heal the wounds that scars my soul
With your love, with your fascinating light.

Look into my eyes, tired irises looking back
What do you see?
A girl who has nothing to hide.
Touch my skin, pale shadow of indigo
My pain visible for the world.

Hold me, spread your warmth in me
Hold me closer, stop my shivering body
Comfort me, your love is my solace
Love me, and never again let go…

Egga nga tawe ta limbo. Mal-i-ligo y paningan ku. Sika-paguta nga ta masingan ku ira nga totolay. Aru laman y kuku-an da. Pirmi y pangi-rurumen da niakan. Mataki y futu. Mat-tatangi y inango ku. Aran-ni ngana nga mawawan y pagin-nolay ku.

Egga nga tawe ta livun. Mad-dadaga y talinga ta ziga na pag-gina, ta uvovug da nga mule. Awan tu marakay ta nab-balinan ko.

LITTLE GIRL
May 14, 2003

There was once a little girl in a far away little town. Her family loved her dearly that they did all chores for her. They pampered her like a princess. They gave her little silk red dresses to wear; they gave her little red shoes to match the silk dress; they put red ribbons on her hair… but all because she’s the only one who has golden hair. Every time they are in need, they take one strand from her locks and sell it. Once again they are the most prestigious family in the little town; once again they are respected and well known; once again their reputation was maintained.


The little girl with the golden hair didn’t mind the taking of her hair. “It only happens once in a while”, she said, “and they need it badly, it’s the only way I can help and make them happy”.
However, the little girl was not allowed to go out without any of her family accompanying her. For her family feared that the people might take advantage of her golden hair and take some for themselves. So every time she goes out, which is only to attend functions that her family set up for her, she was with an escort. With this, the little girl earned no friends; she would just watch the children playing in the field from her little desk at the school. She’s not allowed to join them, they might take her hair, they said, and in doing so will harm her.

The children in the field would stop while playing and look at her. They would take glimpses of her golden hair and talk with each other.
“Her hair is so beautifully golden, wish I have hair like that”, said one girl.
“But she doesn’t seem happy”, said another.
“And she can’t play with us. I rather have my black hair and be able to play with you than her golden hair and be stuck in the room like that”, said another girl again.
Then the first girl agreed, “Yes, I’d rather have my black hair. But she’s lucky nonetheless”.
They all looked at each other then innocently shrug off their shoulders. They don’t care anymore. They just want to play again. And fast they ran around the field, laughing, black hair flying reflecting the sun’s rays, cheeks flushed with pink…

“Ah, they seem so happy,” the little girl, said. Silently eating her sandwich, “I can run faster than them”, she thought, a little smile forming on her little face, her eyes glowed with gladness as she patiently follow the children playing in the field with just her stare. Then a soft wind blew, a strand of her golden hair fell on her face. “Oh, if only I don’t have this golden hair I would be able to show those children I could run faster than them”. But another thought came too, “But I wont be able to make my family happy and love me the way they are loving me now if I don’t have this golden hair”. A deep sigh came out of her little mouth as she mutters, “If only”.

As time goes by, the little girl didn’t notice but her hair became fewer and fewer. Until the time, she completely became bald. Her family became so scared of what’s going to happen to the little girl. They tried to hide her in the house and won’t let other people see her. They were saddened by the situation but there’s nothing else they can do. Disgusted by her appearance, with no hair and all, the little girl was terrified. How will her family love her now? There is no way she could earn such love without her golden hair. She sat on her bed deeply in thought… then she somehow felt it is a blessing in disguise, she no longer have the burden of carrying such wanted treasure and that she no longer hold the jewel her family only wants from her (she thinks). She can go out now without the worry of having her hair stolen. Her family would let her wander the world and discover it on her own. It is time to be herself without the golden hair.

She talked to her family. She said she wants to go out. She said she wants to live her life the way she wants it to be. She said since she doesn’t have the golden hair anymore nobody would care about her. Nobody would dare harm her.
“But the people doesn’t know you lost all your golden hair, yet!” her family sneered.
“It would be such a shame to let you walk the streets without your golden hair!”
“How about your reputation? The family’s prestige? They would all laugh at us when they found out you don’t have the golden hair anymore!”
“It would be embarrassing to watch people laugh at you for being bald”
“No, you are not going out. You will never leave this house. You will remain hidden from the people. You just have to make do with what you have in this house!”

Slowly, tears flowed down the little girl’s porcelain cheeks. Her eyes as still as she looks at her family, with firm voice she spoke to them. “I can take the people’s criticism, their mockery, their judgment – for I don’t care about anything they say. I don’t know them. They can laugh at me all they want but it won’t hurt me. The only thing I care about ever since is your happiness, that’s why I kept my golden hair and took good care of it was because it was the only thing that could make you happy beyond my existence. But it’s all gone now. Nobody could bring it back anymore. I cannot grow it back anymore for it has taken its toll. I don’t blame you for taking it all away; I blame myself for not having enough golden hair to keep you happy for the rest of your life… or my life. I thought that is the essence of being a family, having a family – making each other happy. But why are you ashamed of me now that I don’t make you happy anymore? Why are you ashamed of what I have become? Why do you mock me and want to hide me away from the people so your reputation wouldn’t be tarnished?

“Why do you want to subject our family with the people’s ridicule? Do you not pity us for what will become of us once everybody knew you lost your golden hair? That you are bald now? Do you not care about us at all?

“Don’t you think that this is hard for me? I am the one who lost the golden hair. I will be the one subjected to ridicule. I am the one people would laugh at. But I came to terms with that already. I am willing to go through life with that, with the people’s contempt. But how can I do that if my own family scorns me for what I have become? The family that I dedicated my whole life to, mortifies me… This is who I am now. This is what I am now. Bald. Shouldn’t you be glad for me that I am brave? That I am courageous? That I am my own self, now? Shouldn’t you?”

Silence…

The cold morning air blows softly at her cheeks, whispering words of isolation; all the while the sun’s ray of morning light starts to hit her with valor to continue the battle and go forth with her journey. The little girl, now without the golden hair, put on a little knitted bonnet to protect her self from the forces she’s going to encounter along her way. She looks at their little house as if a stranger looking in. She fears that they will not forgive her for what she is going to do.

She will go away. A place far from her little town where everybody knew everybody. She will discover the world and what the world can offer a bald little girl. She will ride high with the clouds, dance with the stars and be happy. A place where nobody is going to judge her for not having the golden hair anymore; a place where she could remove her knitted bonnet and be the bald little girl that she is now; a place where she could play with the other children not minding her golden hair and the children not minding who she is; a place where she could freely go to any point not accompanied by anyone who constantly reminds her that she’s being watched; a place where she could lazily doze off under the sun and wake up when the moon is taking her place in the skies; a place where she could be herself… where she could be happy, at last.

Aghast by the realization of their selfishness, they shed tears of repentance. Proud as they are they love the little girl dearly. Not because of her golden locks, or pinkish cheeks, or her elegant stature. They love her because she is their little girl; she is a part of them; she is their family. Same is the blood that is running through their veins… same blood that is now a stain in a little red room.

- Safrati -