"Associative Looseness"

Directed by Marc Webb
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the love struck Tom and Zooey Deschanel as the elusive Summer

This is a story of boy meets girl, boy falls in love but girl doesn’t.

Tom met Summer at the greeting card company where he works as a greeting card writer while Summer is an assistant to the manager. This was a case of love at first sight, for Tom. Summer is the type of girl who as Morgan Freeman puts it (the story is narrated by Morgan Freeman) a rare quality of a woman who gets 18.4 double takes while just simply riding a bus. In short, she’s the hot girl next door. Tom was just another loser who’s out of her league.

The movie is chronicled by the day they first met, they first talked, and they first had their day out (as compared to date since they were only “just friends” and the days of the heartbreak after it. Tom and Summer had a lot of things in common and for Tom, Summer is the one; which is not the case for Summer. She was not looking for a relationship or a boyfriend. In fact she doesn’t even believe in love. She just wants to “hang” with Tom, hold hands, pretend to be husband and wife at the appliance store, kiss at the copy room and have shower sex with him. She just wants to be friends… which then led to Tom’s wanting to put a label on it… that started the trouble.

Day 154, Tom admitted to himself he’s in love with Summer and how he loves everything about her. Even hearing the song “She’s Like the Wind” every time he thinks about her.
But then things just changed and she said they have to stop seeing each other. Day 290, Summer left Tom.
Tom had endured the ups and downs of the 500 days of being with and getting over Summer. After realizing that he will never be able to get her back he tried fixing his own life and went after his dream of becoming an architect. He also found out that the reason Summer left him was because for her, he is not the one. She found the one shortly after they broke up and she married him. Echoing to Tom the same sentiments that he has the first time he saw her, saying its fate and destiny. That was Day 488.

Day 500… Tom was in line for a job interview in an architect firm. Sitting across him was a girl who shared the same love for his favorite spot overlooking the city. They banter and Tom was drawn to her. He invites her out for a drink and she declined at first…but then she threw caution to the wind and said yes. Tom introduced himself and she smiled and said her name is Autumn.

Tom smiled… Day 1 of Autumn starts.
Though the plot is very simple, the movie was able to convey the happiness you feel when you’re in love and the sadness of being dumped. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy and occasionally chuckle at the senseless things couples do together that makes simple things memorable. It showed that things will never turn out the way you expect it to. Technically it was not a happy ending since they didn’t end up together, but just showing that after every Summer, Autumn comes next… literally and figuratively.

Yolanda was in her mother's kitchen playfully picking on all the dishes on the
table.

"Stop that! You're gonna spoil the food", her mother shouted at her.

"Tastes good, ma. You're cooking never changed", she replied and got up from her
chair and gave her mother a warm hug.

"How about you? Have you changed?"

"Whatever do you mean by that, ma?"

"Are you still seeing him?"

Yolanda let go of her mother and slumped back into her chair. She continued
fishing out the good parts of the food with her finger, while her mother waits
impatiently for an answer.

"Yolanda, how old are you now? that's no longer normal. You should know that."

Yolanda just continued picking on the food.

"I've explained this to you a million times already. You're a grown woman now,
you're getting married for goodness sake!", her mother was sounding frustrated.

Then she let out a deep sigh and with a gentle voice, she said, "Yolly, I'm sorry.
I know this is all my fault. Had I been there to guide you properly when you were
young...this, this could never have happened...this, this could never have lasted
this long."

Yolanda was just silent.

"What would happen if Damien finds out? Good gracious, that would be embarassing!", her mother continued.

"He would think that you have a loose screw inside your head."

Yolanda replied, "He loves me."

Her mother was not surprised by that, "I know, that's probably the only reason why he's marrying you."

Silence.

"Not him, Castro loves me", she silently told herself.


(to be cont..

"Where were you last night, Yolly?" Damien gently asked Yolanda while they were having their lunch together at the cafeteria.

"You always disappear like that. You worry me sometimes," he added.

"Why?", Yolanda asked back.

Damien took a mouthful and took his time in chewing his food. Yolanda waited for Damien's reply.

Then a weak answer emanated from his lips, "I'm worried that you might disappear and would never come back."

Yolanda started biting into her sandwich. Both were trying to mask the awkwardness and the obvious and diverting it into the food. Damien kept looking up at Yolanda while Yolanda nonchalantly bites and chews her sandwich, mindful of Damien's behavior.

"I don't understand why you're doing this," she asked.

"Doing what?"

"This", and she gestured her hands as if pointing to the invisible connection that they have called a relationship by others; devotion by Damien, and stupidity by Yolanda.

"Coz, I need to. Coz I want to. Coz I love you."

Silence.

Then suddenly Damien found the energy and with high spirits asked Yolanda, "So! Have you chosen the motif yet?"

Yolanda shook her head. Then smiled and answered, "I would like it to be pink.."

"Pink?? Cmon, that's too over-rated. Choose something else."

"Yellow."

"Too bright."

"Orange."

"Difficult to pair with other colors."

"Why don't you just choose it since you're the bride?", Yolanda sneered at a laughing Damien and stood up from her chair and tried to walk out.

Damien grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her arm around his shoulders so it would look like Damien is rubbing his face against her belly.

"Fine, fine. Sorry. We'll have pink then."

"No, I want black coz it's gloomy getting married to a dork like you!", Yolanda was still upset.

"Sure, I like black. Let's go with black."

Yolanda's face turned red with frustration as she stared at Damien who's totally having a good time picking on her. For a moment she stood there, looking at Damien, her arms around his shoulder and his arms around her waist.

Then something inside her melted. She stooped and gave Damien a kiss on the forehead. Then on the cheeks. Then on the lips.

Then she whispered, "I don't know what I did to deserve you."

(to be cont..)

Castro was sitting on the bed carefully watching Yolanda pace back and forth. She was biting her nails and lines on her face start to show everytime she rubs her closed eyes.

Yolanda spotted the chair at the corner and sat there, staring at Castro.

He was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen. He had the body of a swimmer, lean but with arms and legs that can carry her full weight. A beautifully sculpted shoulder and faint lines that travel vertically and horizontally along his midsection. He had the most gorgeous locks that still smell fresh after a long day... And his eyes, his eyes that disappear whenever he smile; his eyes that melt her heart with just a glance; his eyes that show no emotion but happiness, longing and love.

He moved nearer to Yolanda towards the end of the bed, "What are you looking at?" He teased her.

Yolanda smiled and shook her head.

"Are you worried about skipping work today? Cmon, you deserve a day-off. You've been working really really hard. They should pay you triple for the things you do for them!"

Yolanda bitterly smiled.

"Who could ever think that a dump like the Archives could have such a talented and very sexy...employee like you?"

With this comment, Yolanda let out a chuckle. "You're crazy", she said and stood near the bathroom door.Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she whispered to herself, "I'm crazy."

Then she felt an arm around her waist and a familiar scent kissing her nape.

"Let's go back to bed", he murmurred.

Then her mobile phone rang. She let it ring until it became silent. Then a beep signalling a text message.

Yolly, where are you? How could you disappear like this again? Call me. - Damien


(to be cont...)

Five years had passed and Yolanda grew up to become an attractive young girl. She was still considered ordinary by girls who thought they're prettier than her, but boys would give her a second glance every time she walks by. She had gained a new moniker by then, the weird girl. Oftentimes people would tease her about Castro --
"Hey pony girl, where's your friend?"
or
"Hey weirdo! Where's your boyfriend??"

She would just look at them with contempt and then walk away.

Senior prom is nearing and Damien, one of the popular boys came up to Yolanda one afternoon. He had a long-stemmed rose which he hid behind his back while speaking to Yolanda.

"Yolly, may I ask you something?" Damien asked.
Yolanda was surprised but replied, "OK."
Then Damien started mumbling to himself while kicking the dust off his feet. Yolanda became more curious and urged Damien to speak up, "Was there something you want to ask?"
Damien took a deep breath and suddenly went down on one knee and offered the long-stemmed rose to Yolanda, "Yolly, will you ditch your special friend Castro and be my date for prom?"

Silence.

Then laughter emanated from the background.

Yolanda looked around to see Damien's friend laughing their hearts out with the scene. It's clear that they're making fun of her. Yolanda felt her eyes getting hot. She stared at Damien with disgust and started to run away. Damien tried to stop her by grabbing her wrist, "Yolly, I'm sorry." Yolanda quickly got herself free and ran as fast as she could, just like her tears flowing freely on her cheeks.

Trying to escape the humiliation, Yolanda took refuge behind the large Acacia tree. She sat down catching her breath with tears still continuously flowing from her eyes. Then a tall figure suddenly appeared before her. She cannot see who it was and assumed it was Damien, "Please Damien, leave me alone."
But the figure did not go away, and squatted infront of her instead. He took a white handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the tears and sweat from Yolanda's face.
Yolanda looked at him and instead of stopping, more tears rolled down her face. She saw the clearest brown eyes looking lovingly at her. Then he smiled and planted a kiss on Yolanda's wet cheeks.

Yolanda moved away and uttered, "Castro please...stop."

(to be cont.)

There was once a little girl named Yolanda. She was not pretty, she was not perfect, she was not smart...she was just, ordinary. No one knew her name, they just know her as the girl in class. She was the one always referred to by teachers as "You, with the ponytail, stand up." She was just there, unknown...transparent...invisible.

Yolanda had one friend though, his name was Castro. He was always there in the morning waking up Yolanda by throwing pebbles at her window. He would pick her up everyday, walk to school with her and they would spend countless hours together. They would run up and down the hill from school, breathless but laughing. Some kids would look at them and Castro would cover Yolanda and urge her to race home. They would dash again and one time Yolanda fell down. Castro stood tall over her but he never reached down to help her.
"Get up!", he said.
"Help me, please?" asked Yolanda.
But Castro just stood there smiling, "Cmon loser, you fell down, you can get up."
"I can't. My knee is bleeding."
Castro squatted infront of Yolanda and gently said, "If I help you now, who will help you when I'm gone? So, cmon and stand up. You can do it. I'll wait for you at your house."
Then off he ran leaving Yolanda in tears.

When Yolanda got home she did not see Castro waiting for her. She was devastated. She was heartbroken. Castro abandoned her. Just like the rest of the kids in school. He didn't want to help her. She went to the kitchen to wash her knee when her mother saw her. She helped her into the tub and gently caressed her bruised knee. She didn't ask what happened for a mother knew everything even before a child confesses. She wiped Yolanda's tears and told her to get out of her soiled uniform and change into clean clothes.

Yolanda, still teary-eyed asked her mother, "Ma, did you see Castro waiting for me outside?"
Yolanda's mother lovingly cupped her face with both of her hands and hesitated before speaking. She cannot find the right words to tell Yolanda what happened. She took a deep breath and kissed Yolanda's forehead.
"Ma, what is it?"
"How old are you now Yolanda?"
"I'm twelve Mama."

(to be cont...)

Catherine & Vincent

June 12, 2008 11:30PM

Singing show tunes and alongside Jason Mraz without really knowing what was the lyrics and just going along with the melody and anything that rhymes gives me a natural high. Takes me away from what’s bothering me, which at this point, I don’t really know. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am again, taking my favorite steroid vitamins and earlier tonight had devised my own version of a long island iced-tea. I am a bit high, literally, drunk high if that’s what you call it.
I can’t believe I am actually writing right now. Mind you my spelling and grammar still kicks in. still can’t see any red lines or green ones at that.
I have thought about killing myself again today. Don’t take me wrong! I am not suicidal. I never was… and hope never will be. It’s just that, these kinds of thoughts amuses me and gives me a temporary escape route. Giggling at how I am going to do it without pain of course! Who would want to die in pain? Not me.
So, I figured sleeping pills… or maybe steroid overdose? Or perhaps drown myself in 20 capsules of Demerol or Valium or Stillnox; wherein I need to get a prescription to be able to purchase that stuff.
As you can see, I live alone so the success rate of my plan would be 100 percent. Since no one would check up on me in the morning or if I went out of my room or not…or if I even wake up. My body would only be discovered after a week or so, already stiff and in the process of decomposition.
Not a nice sight.
It would be the easiest way out. It would be the end of everything. It would grant me freedom, freedom from everything.
I feel that I have already captured the essence of what the world has to offer and comfortably accepted my fate that I will never get to experience those things I see on the television or go to places and hop on a train and go from one country to another.
Again, don’t take me wrong. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful lover. I am blessed enormously with them, that I feel I don’t deserve them. Maybe it has something to do with my being ***. I feel that no matter what I do, they will never accept me. And no matter what I do I will never be able to accept myself if the people around me are not happy with me.
i am giving up… on me.
I have thought of going away, to a place where nobody would know me. A place where I can work menial jobs and earn my keep and not be totally dependent on my family, or to someone… my meager earnings from writing can not sufficiently cover my stay in the city. And what am I doing in the city? NOTHING.
No job. No penny. And with a disfigured face.
But the thing is, where am I to go? Where am I going to stay? How can I leave when I don’t even have enough to cover for whatever?
One thing left to do… total isolation and seclusion. I have thought of going home to the province. Perhaps if I try to kill myself there someone would find me soon enough. But if you want to kill yourself, you don’t want to be found when you’re not yet dead. Right?
I sit here writing while listening to some songs. I feel contented. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anything. I am happy with my misery. My masked depression, where more often than not, I cry at no reason at all.

I have love.

But I am choosing to leave it behind for a peaceful non-existence in this world. Selfish… yes, but I guess it’s about time.

My eyes are hot right now and suddenly my nostrils seemed filled-up. As I write these things, perhaps this feeling of hopelessness and loneliness would go away. As it always does. I pray to have the strength to take on another fruitless day. Another senseless existence; another day waiting… just waiting…

I am 26 years old and I have nothing to prove to myself. Sure, I came from a prestigious university, got an 84 percent in the national examinations and graduated first honors in grade school… so what? It does not mean anything now. All of that were just fruitless and senseless accomplishments that would not in any way help me in my endeavors in the real world.

Tuesday. Three more days till I leave a job I learned to love for five months. I was apprehensive at first about being an online English tutor for Koreans. It seems that this has become the job trend for the new blood. That is – jobless, newly grad, experience-less job hunters. I don’t belong in that group, heck no! I was comfortable sitting at home with my laptop, my cat, with the television and DVDs; until I craved to see the sun everyday, and see people in live action.

Hence, I applied. Got accepted and five months later, I resigned.

The experience was refreshing, for the first time I was surrounded with people my age or younger. In my previous jobs I was the youngest usually and the people I mingle with were mostly old men in their barongs and suits.

I must say I had a hard time saying goodbye. I was torn between two clashing rocks and there’s no way for me to escape but to drown or fly – I chose to fly. I will miss the people who accepted me for who I am and listened to all my rants about that concept who haunted me listlessly. I chose to break free and admit defeat and insipidness of my actions, and my existence. Who am I kidding? I like the people but I don’t like being taken advantage of. I must therefore assert myself and stand to my rights and say goodbye to a system that is bound to fail (I hope not, for the other employees’ sake). However, only people constitute that system so probably remove those people and the system would run smoothly, eh?

Nonetheless, I will surely miss the good times.

Thank you for the opportunity.

I have come across the same terrains again. Familiar dirt road and recognizable lamp posts; all reminiscent of the things that happen over and over and over again.

Yet I still tread it every time. Unfaltering. Unwavering.

I clutch my heart at my sleeve; afraid it might eventually fall off. I scurry at the slightest bit of apprehension. I look around for some additional information that might help my journey less miserable. Shorter and fruitful even, a fool’s hope. At times I soar like an eagle, optimistic the whole way through. Unstoppable, aggressive, risky to the point of stupidity.

I held my breath and pretended to die. I lifted up my hands and imagined I could fly. I immortalize my pain through my writings; the never-ending memento mori I am preparing. Perhaps, like some best-regarded poets and writers, whose works were only recognized after their deaths; mine wouldn’t be any difference. More so, maybe my seemingly insignificant existence could be used as an excuse for something bigger than life. Then I… matter, eventually.

I cry at the top of my lungs. I tried to pull my eyes from its socket but could not. So, I sat there whimpering like a beaten, wet dog. Triumphant in my agony. Then the sun came and shined upon me again.

But then, tell me… how come I’m passing the same terrains, again?

The uphill and downhill slopes; the dust welcoming me at every turn; the smoke coming from the chimney of my broken self; how long will the wings on my feet last? How much more can the rope attaching my veins to reality endure?

And if I come to cross the same terrains again, I pray to God, help me.

I am asking this question because it seems that everywhere I look, this makes a mark that somehow leaves me haunting for answers. Everyday I see things wherein I say to myself, is being in love enough?

There are a lot of things associated with being in love. Being “in love” actually is not what you should call it when you find another person amazingly interesting, lovable, and deliriously attractive. “In love” is a state, and like most “states”, it is something temporary, a fleeting moment, a certain status, something that won’t really last.

So, for the sake of argument and some things I read from The Road Less Traveled,:

The section mainly attacks a number of misconceptions about love: that romantic love exists (he considers it a very destructive myth), that it is about dependency, that true love is "falling in love", that love is cathexis, that love is a feeling. Instead love is about the extending of one's ego boundaries to include another, and about the spiritual nurturing of another, in short, love is effort.

I have been presented with some situations, about a friend having another lover apart from one she already has for nine (9) years. She’s having an affair and she claims that she loves both persons and if the original partner finds out about her affair, she’s going to deny it, and if worse comes to worst, she would not choose either of them. Now, I’ve been asking her if she loves the one she’s been with for 9 years, and without batting an eyelash she says Yes! Now, next question would be, then why are you having an affair with another person? Then here comes the most complicated part of the conversation. Mostly because I don’t approve of her reasons, and partly because I am biased as to listening her explanations why. Then I sort of realized, maybe she doesn’t love the nine years anymore. She’s just staying for the sake of the years spent together, which was rather absurd. So I asked her, “Why don’t you leave that person and stay with the new one? Since that new person obviously makes you happy.” She said no, she could never do that to the nine years, she can never find someone incomparable with the nine-year-person. Wtf? But, hey, that’s her life. My business? No.

Then here comes a TV show about a married couple with a declining sex life. The girl initiates the talk of open marriage and the guy agrees with the premise that it turned both of them on and he just wants to get laid. But in a turn of events, the wife really went out of her way and slept with another guy, believing that they have this “open marriage” thing worked out. However, the husband didn’t take it too seriously and was still waiting for the time when he and the wife could get it on in the sack. Finding out sooner rather than later, that the wife was already sleeping with another guy. So the husband went out his way and slept with another girl.

Sad thing. When this kind of things happen to good couples. Having another person on the side at the same time claiming being in love with the current beau is really absurd. As I mentioned, they were only maybe in a temporary state when they said that they were “in love”. And does this love enough to withhold your desires for other people? It should be. As M. Scott Peck says, love is sustained by not mutual dependence; it actually causes strain on the relationship being too dependent. Therefore true love is achieved by being independent of each other. Meaning, that when you go away and do some stuff on your own, you want to go home and share your experience with your partner; and the partner would do the same without the both of you feeling guilty of left out from each other’s lives. Communication is the key. Plus a truckload of honesty.

Maybe what these people feel when they engage in an affair, they lose the excitement, and they lose the lust they have for the person they’ve been with for a thousand years. Yes, it does happen. You could actually get tired from loving; curse it at times; but you would never stop loving the person if you really started to really, really love that person from the very beginning, inside and out.

There’s this line that the husband from the TV Show said before finding out about his wife’s affair. He said, “I love her, I love the way she smells, I love the way she is with the kids, I love her cooking. I just love her.”

That melted my heart.

Now, did I mention that the nine-year-person found out about my friend’s extra-curricular activities? I actually pity the nine-year-person. To give your love, and your life into nurturing a relationship you hope would last forever; and then reality would hit you right in the face that the person you’re offering the world to doesn’t actually feel the same for you, anymore at least.

I wouldn’t want that to happen to me. If I was with a person and that person doesn’t feel the same way I do?

Now, here’s the cliché. I actually don’t know what to do.

When you are faced with a reality and confusion of your doing, it gets so hard to stand up and admit that it's all your fault.. and you're willing to take the consequences for it.

It takes a lot of courage to be able to finally say, “It's okay, I'll be fine. Everything that we have will remain a memory, a good memory that will haunt me in my waking hours.” But it takes a lot more courage to gather your things and walk away... just walk away.

Nothing can ever prepare you for the hurt and the incoming misery that you would only feel once it's over. You promised yourself you wouldn't cry; you promised to yourself you wouldn't beg nor ask for one more chance. I applaud you for doing so, for sticking with what you said you would do --

But I applaud you more for staying; against all odds; you stayed. I applaud you for not giving up, for having a bit of courage to stay – just for a little while. For a little while.

And yet, you managed you fix what was broken; you managed to hang on and kept your grip onto it. For what you have together is a treasure; a priceless non-entity that exists only in both of your hearts; and that no matter where you go or what you do; you have made a mark and carved your own niches in each other; that there will only be emptiness when one is absent; there will only be longing when one is away.

That kind of attachment, that kind of bond, that kind of connection – is what you call TRUE LOVE.

Today is my last day at my temporaray job. I have to get the clearance form from the outsourcing company I was referred to, which was in Ayala Avenue. I would be coming from the Fort, Global City.

On my way back, I promised to myself I would stop by Santuario de San Antonio in Forbes Park. Which I did. I boarded the bus and got off at the church. To my surprise, there were a lot of policemen and PSG guarding the place. There were also a lot of red-plate cars parked in front of the church. As I was about to go in, a PSG in a barong uniform asked me where I’m going.

HELLO? I’m going to the church -- maybe I’ll play pingpong with the priest.

He said I can’t go in because there’s a wedding ceremony inside. So what? It would only take me a few minutes to ask for forgiveness for silently cursing them PSGs… and that oh, so important person getting married inside. I bet, the girl just wed him for his money. Hehehe.

I asked who was getting married, he said the DOH Secretary. So? Do you need all these bodyguards around? I inched my way closer to the door, eventually I sneaked in.

It was an ordinary wedding. Just that the church was full, and it was first time to see a wedding sitter, errr…planner, fixing the sitting arrangement. (He) was holding a list and he was directing the latecomers to their proper places. Plus, all the attedees were wearing dress to kill dresses. Meaning, the women were wearing saya and white galas and silky dresses and stuff. While the men are dressed in barongs and americanas. When I say men and women, all the attendees, as in, all!

Nice to look at. It would be better if I saw the face of the bride and groom. Nice to look at din kaya? Hehehe

Anyways, I was waiting for the bus outside the church. It came to me, that maybe they were not really guarding important personalities who attended the wedding. Maybe they were really guarding the groom from scandal --- you know he got someone knocked up and that girl would go inside and shout, “STOP! Hindi kayo pwedeng magpakasal!” Then the priest would ask why, then the girl would say, “dahil ako ang mahal niya!”. So everybody would be looking at the groom, but the weird thing is, the groom was baffled, flushed in disbelief even. The groom’s father would then look at his son with glaring eyes as if saying, “what the hell are you thinking?”

To which the groom would answer, “I don’t know this woman.” Then the woman would answer, “I wasn’t talking about you, dummy. I was referring to HER!”

Hehhehe haahahah!

I was actually laughing at the sidewalk, by myself. Maybe people passing by in their cars think I’m a little cuckoo for giggling but I didn’t care. I was amused.

It helps to think about funny scenarios and other things to pass the time. It’s very refreshing and time flies by so fast.

I didn’t even notice that the bus refused to stop when I waved. The driver waved at me too when I waved… was he meaning to say Mabuhay?

Hahahah!See, i wasn't even pissed. It helps when you imagine your way out of things. It makes everything light.

Anyways, it was really hot so I decided to take the quickest ride to the office. Habal-habal 2007!

Once I walked down an unfamiliar path
        winding road and blinding light
People dressed in black and white
        and we are the creatures of the night
I said No -- never shall I stay dark
        I will move on to a brighter land
Each person becoming closer to me
        sympathize with reality
I know I can detach myself away from them
        then fly back to never never land
But then-- lightning strikes
        we shared something I I could've never
                imagined -- with you.
Passionate desires inflames my soul
        my heart beating fast
Yet… we are creatures of the underworld
        uncertainties awaits us
Doubts afloat
                could I ever keep you?

10/30/02

I am here, here alone in this space
Remembering, how you turned up my world
glistening diamond you are such
beautiful.
Waiting, I stand by for eternity
feeling your breath on me once more
I succumb to these dark desires
and I long for more.
My heart, races along with my hand
in describing how I tremble
electricity striking my every vein
dampness of my hands showing
I desire not to feel desire for you
but to just hold and caress you
Definitions -- terms are insignificant
my mind understands my heart
Lights flowing down there,
cars screeching nearby
people following each other's footsteps
How far have we gone?
reflections mirroring myself
I see a girl lost -- lost in a world of lies
where the truth is non-existent -- or is it?

Oct. 2, 2002

View this article on Youngblood.


TO everyone who might be affected or in serious allergy of this topic, I request that you turn your newspapers to the hypocrite and pathetic section. Thank you.

I am a bisexual. No, not the one who wears baggy pants and big polo shirts just to look like a boy. I am myself and I dress the way I want to, that is, as a lady. A feminine, supple, beautiful woman. I do not have anything against those "kababaro" who prefers to wear boyish clothes just to let people know that they are lesbians, or to get people to notice them. I laud their audacity to out themselves in public, or going out of the closet, as it's popularly called.

I am in the closet. Not because I am scared or hiding, but I prefer to keep my private life private. I don't want my life to be the topic of other people's gossip. I have my reasons and I will not subject myself to the judgment and ridicule of those people whose minds are so narrow even a surgical needle cannot fit.

If they don't understand me, why do I care? At least I won't have to go live every day of my life thinking that they know something about me and I would owe it to them so much that they're keeping it to themselves and that I would act as if I were guilty.

No.

I am in love with a woman. Is that such a bad thing? It just happened that she is a she and not a he, not in conformity with a tradition that we don't even know who set up. Who said don't fall in love with a woman if you're a woman. Is that in the Bible? Don't I have the right to choose the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Even though she's also a woman like me?

I had men before. Three actually. One of whom lasted for two years. I loved him
dearly and I know he loves me too. But somehow our relationship lacked something. There's no fire and passion, and no deep understanding. I cannot look straight into his eyes and see his soul, but instead I see numbers -- calculus, debit, credit, tax laws. I've never been good at relating to numbers.

My woman, she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. She indulges herself in art, classical music, and poetry. We both share a passion for everything. We can tell each other things that a man and woman could never share. We have an intimacy that keeps our flames burning even if we're not seeing each other that much, because of some
circumstances.

I went through a lot of things for her; I boldly admitted to my family that I love her. I do not mean disrespect but how on earth did it happen that they didn't understand me? They are supposed to be the ones who understood me better. Who accept me for who I am, and also accept the one I am happy with.

What I have with this woman is different from all my previous relationships. I know it in my heart that I could spend the rest of my life loving this woman. And I am willing to work for that, fight for it.

The important thing is I am in love, and it's not a matter of he or she, but of who and why.

I came across this asian music video that made me cry years ago, and i was not able to find out what the title was, until somebody told me it was "kiss". I searched for kiss and thinking that's japanese appended japanese song to all my searches but i did not find it. Thanks to Youtube, i played all the videos that have the title kiss and japanese and found what i was looking for, for a very long time. get this, it's not japanese, it's korean, and the title is not kiss, it's "because i'm a girl", by a korean girl group named KISS.

I liked the music video because it was so touching, i thought it was taken from a full-length movie but upon proper reaserch it was not, most korean ballads have beautiful music videos kasi. So the story was guy was a photographer and he meets parlor girl, who was pakialamera. Naturally guy takes photos of parlor girl and compiles it. Then one day, parlor girl and photographer guy was busy taking pictures until photographer guy ran out of films. Parlor girl then volunteered to get the roll of fims for him from his dark room. Parlor girl was really small so getting a roll of film on the top shelf took quite an effort and she made tabig tabig a bottle of film developer and down it goes into her eyes. Of course, girl get's hospitalized and photographer guy blamed himself and left. So parlor girl thought the guy left her for good, and she goes crying while eating ice cream in front of the television while watching stuart little *sigh*.

Then one day parlor girl (now model girl) saw photographer guy in a race track with shades and a dog. She went near him but he did not recognize her. Because photographer guy donated his eyes pala to her when she had the accident. So in turn, the guy was now blind so she can see. *sigh*

The most important part of the guy's body was his eyes, given that he is a photographer and that everybody needs the sense of sight. But he willingly gave it up for the girl that he truly loves, even if it means that he will not be able to take pictures again, he will not be able to ride his big bike, and he will not be able to see her pretty face.

Wala lang.

"A great love story is a great love story, and it doesn't matter what gender is involved." - Piper Perabo

nais kong lumipad at magkaroon ng pakpak
ilayo ka sa lugar kung saan ka maaaring mapahamak
ang mundo ay malupit, alam nating lahat
ngunit bakit kinakailangang maramadaman mo ang takot ngayon?
kung saan ang lahat ay tila alapaap
sa piling mo ako ay nangangarap
na sana habang buhay ikaw ang kayakap
ngunit, takot ang sumisiil
nanaghoy sa aking kaibuturan
kung maaari lang sana na ikaw ay bantayan
sa lahat ng oras, lahat ng panahon
upang kahit daplis ng takot
ay hindi mo maramdaman
magpakatatag ka, tibayan mo ang iyong sarili
may awa ang Maykapal
gagabayan Niya ang mga nagmamahal
wala ako magawa
kaya sa Kanya kita iniaasa
na lagi ay iligtas ka
huwag kang pababayaan,
sampu ng iyong pamilya
ngunit kung isang araw makaligtaan Niya
nais kong malaman mo
hihilingin kong gawin Niya akong anghel
upang sa gayon ikaw ay mabuhay
manatili sa lupa
mundong mapaglaro sa tadhana
hindi ka na mababahala
iingatan kita, hanggang kailan man...