"Associative Looseness"

June 12, 2008 11:30PM

Singing show tunes and alongside Jason Mraz without really knowing what was the lyrics and just going along with the melody and anything that rhymes gives me a natural high. Takes me away from what’s bothering me, which at this point, I don’t really know. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am again, taking my favorite steroid vitamins and earlier tonight had devised my own version of a long island iced-tea. I am a bit high, literally, drunk high if that’s what you call it.
I can’t believe I am actually writing right now. Mind you my spelling and grammar still kicks in. still can’t see any red lines or green ones at that.
I have thought about killing myself again today. Don’t take me wrong! I am not suicidal. I never was… and hope never will be. It’s just that, these kinds of thoughts amuses me and gives me a temporary escape route. Giggling at how I am going to do it without pain of course! Who would want to die in pain? Not me.
So, I figured sleeping pills… or maybe steroid overdose? Or perhaps drown myself in 20 capsules of Demerol or Valium or Stillnox; wherein I need to get a prescription to be able to purchase that stuff.
As you can see, I live alone so the success rate of my plan would be 100 percent. Since no one would check up on me in the morning or if I went out of my room or not…or if I even wake up. My body would only be discovered after a week or so, already stiff and in the process of decomposition.
Not a nice sight.
It would be the easiest way out. It would be the end of everything. It would grant me freedom, freedom from everything.
I feel that I have already captured the essence of what the world has to offer and comfortably accepted my fate that I will never get to experience those things I see on the television or go to places and hop on a train and go from one country to another.
Again, don’t take me wrong. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful lover. I am blessed enormously with them, that I feel I don’t deserve them. Maybe it has something to do with my being ***. I feel that no matter what I do, they will never accept me. And no matter what I do I will never be able to accept myself if the people around me are not happy with me.
i am giving up… on me.
I have thought of going away, to a place where nobody would know me. A place where I can work menial jobs and earn my keep and not be totally dependent on my family, or to someone… my meager earnings from writing can not sufficiently cover my stay in the city. And what am I doing in the city? NOTHING.
No job. No penny. And with a disfigured face.
But the thing is, where am I to go? Where am I going to stay? How can I leave when I don’t even have enough to cover for whatever?
One thing left to do… total isolation and seclusion. I have thought of going home to the province. Perhaps if I try to kill myself there someone would find me soon enough. But if you want to kill yourself, you don’t want to be found when you’re not yet dead. Right?
I sit here writing while listening to some songs. I feel contented. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anything. I am happy with my misery. My masked depression, where more often than not, I cry at no reason at all.

I have love.

But I am choosing to leave it behind for a peaceful non-existence in this world. Selfish… yes, but I guess it’s about time.

My eyes are hot right now and suddenly my nostrils seemed filled-up. As I write these things, perhaps this feeling of hopelessness and loneliness would go away. As it always does. I pray to have the strength to take on another fruitless day. Another senseless existence; another day waiting… just waiting…

I am 26 years old and I have nothing to prove to myself. Sure, I came from a prestigious university, got an 84 percent in the national examinations and graduated first honors in grade school… so what? It does not mean anything now. All of that were just fruitless and senseless accomplishments that would not in any way help me in my endeavors in the real world.

Writing Crisis

It’s been three weeks since my last writing project. A project that usually only takes 3 nights to complete, took me a heavy two weeks to finish. Those two weeks did not necessarily mean that I have been working the whole time. I spent the good half of my working time (that is 1 am to 6am) staring at my laptop and playing beautiful eyes with the fluorescent light.

I didn’t know what was going on with me. I have the energy to write but it seems that inspiration has deserted me. My fingers missed the feeling of stroking the keyboard but as soon as it touches the surface of the laptop, I freeze. Literally, and figuratively-I freeze. As I was suspended in a catatonic position my mind also went blank.

That was the first time I was at a loss for words. My mind was speechless and I am not able to write anything intelligible – not even a simple blog entry. Nada. Zilch. Nunca.

The surprising thing was, I was not scared. I was actually relaxed, even as the days turn into hours before my deadline. Perhaps my mind was wandering somewhere else that I had to go find it and force it to work, just this last time… and I did. Five hours before my deadline I spent an agonizing night finishing up a 25-page thesis proposal. Not my best, I know… but better than nothing, right?

AND…for the first time in a long time. This appears to be my first entry this year, after three months. I am writing again. I am back in the creative realm. Not just in the academic-commercial side of writing. Maybe that’s what's missing in my life. The creative flow - It had abandoned me long ago when I decided I am going to make money from my writings; which I did. So, it left me hung and dry. Until I summed up my courage to rouse it back in.

Nine years ago, I was a wide-eyed freshman enrolled in the best university in the Philippines. There was a mantra in my head inculcated by numerous leaflets and assemblies that pushes for additional compensation and budget for the university, "There are only two universities in the country, UP and others." Believing in this, I thought that after graduation, the best years of my life would come. I would be hired on the spot; I would be chosen over other applicants; companies will come looking for me; I could choose the job that I want- since I am from UP.
However, things didn’t turn out the way I expected. Like any other fresh graduates, I went for countless job interviews and job hunting. The call center was not yet that established and it has some sort of reputation, and I was too proud to work in a call center, because I am from UP. I applied for the senior positions, and therefore I was declined not knowing any better. I was jobless for six months, until I was finally accepted to be an Account Executive for a Marketing and Research Company. I was quite happy, earning my own money, finally landing a job, and finally working. This job entails me to get clients to hire the company’s services, so in order to do that I was on the phone almost the whole time. Sending out fliers, fax, and emails and distributing brochures- I was doing this for 6 months and didn’t even get one client to hire the company. Therefore my sales and marketing strategy and ability came in question. And before they could give me the axe I took it upon myself to resign. Nobody could fire me, I am from UP.
So, I went job hunting again. This time the lull of the call center industry became so attractive and the compensation was so alluring that I was sucked in. I became an agent selling refurbished computer parts to companies in the United States of America. I was quite doing well, sold a couple of chips, got my commissions and I was having fun with the night life. Nonetheless, my future as a call center agent looked dim, since I believed that I am better than just making calls every night. So I took my cousin’s offer, she referred me to a government company that she was having a business deal with. Hiring me was part of the deal. By this time, I already lost my belief system that I could get any job that I want. Being a secretary was not my dream job. I was floating. And I couldn’t hear anything. Except for one very suitable and timely suggestion; why don’t I take up nursing?
So I did. For three years I took up nursing and passed the local boards three months after graduation. I was hoping that maybe this time I could actually get the job that I want since I am a board passer with a grade higher than average, and what other jobs are there for a nurse than to work in a hospital? My license was released four months after the boards. In that time, I had no choice but to wait since nobody would hire me without a license. Then I got my license, so I immediately applied to all the big hospitals private and government alike. But it seems that nobody is hiring nurses nowadays, private hospitals require new nurses to undergo training for not less than 2 months without compensation and with a training fee, before considering them for a job in their institution. Government hospitals are better since they have a pre-determined timeframe for applicants. It’s just that there are no openings at this time of the year since the nurses bound for abroad are, not yet resigning because of the visa retrogression and stoppage of hiring nurses in the UK. Therefore, we, the new nurses have to wait for an opening, which is just excruciating. I’ve been waiting for a job interview for over a year now and still I haven’t been scheduled for one.
Now my issue is; people have been saying that there is a nursing shortage in the country. But there are over 39,000 who just passed the nursing board exam last June. How about the 20,000 board passers last December? How about the other 35,000 passers before that? This surge of nursing graduates is creating a pool of unemployed since no company abroad would hire nurses without at least 1 year hospital experience. How can we get that experience then if nobody is willing to hire us? What they are suggesting then is to finish all the international tests like NCLEX and IELTS so that we would be hired easily. But when the hospital you are applying to came to know that you are a NCLEX passer, they will not hire you because they know that you would only stay there for a year or less. And because of the practice of previous nurses that goes AWOL, some hospitals have created a policy that prevents you from getting your certificate of employment if your contract was not completed.
Therefore, what else is there to do?

There was once a young girl who wanted to become a doctor. Because she thought that it would make her parents proud of her, and that she could earn lots and lots of money, by being a doctor. The prestige that comes with the white uniform, and the respect that they get from all the townspeople -- she thought she could have it too, once she becomes one.
Then she grew up, added four or five years to her age. Got a little understanding of the world; how it works and what’s really important -- at that time. So she wanted to become a lawyer. How their signatures can cost a whooping five thousand pesos, and how they can get people off from things that they did, or were accused of doing. They save lives, families, and they are very wise.

Then she had some experience with public talking and competition in grade school. She was awed by the information thrown at her, and her teachers expectations that she wanted to become a journalist. Full of ideas, general information and…

She grew up, then she wanted to become an actress, a supermodel, a PMA Officer, then she met someone then she wanted to become a doctor again, then a journalist again, then she got a course in the Arts. Which made her heart very happy because that’s what she really wanted to do, but since it’s not a land of gold, she forego that dream and thought that she could take up law. But then was not given a chance or she didn’t really try her hardest. Then she needed money, her family said--- go take up nursing and we’ll support you. Go abroad and support us afterwards. Give it all back. Everything that we spent on you, every cent.

The thing is, this girl’s lost. She doesn’t know what she wants and she’s lost herself in the process of finding out. How could she not know what she wants when the people around her knows what she wants better than her?

And she’s crying… hopelessness emitted from the stale odor of this old apartment she’s been imprisoned in for how many months now. She wanted to go out but something of divine intervention is preventing her to do so. She’s already lost but the worst thing is she’s lost with a plague stuck on her face.

September 16, 2007
2:00 AM

It rained a while ago; its heavy downpour gave this arid feeling and the smell of freshly watered dry soil. I turned off the lights inside the house, except for the little bulb in the kitchen. I don’t need light; the one coming from my laptop was already enough. I usually turn off the light outside my apartment, the one lighting my door, for at this time of the night nobody would be walking anymore, nobody would be awake anymore, except me… but I was wrong.

My roommate left this afternoon to visit her family. So I was left alone in the apartment, with the cat. I’ve been quite comfortable with this arrangement since I am a night owl and I usually do my work at nights and I go to bed really late. So being alone at nights somehow gave me my privacy and solace to think and study. I liked my nights alone, I like having the apartment all by myself, I like answering to nobody but myself… until the banging came.

The lights were off inside and outside; I was busy studying with my laptop. The cat was fooling around trying to bite my bag and I was shooing her away… when all of a sudden the chains on my door rattled, then I heard someone or something trying to push open my door, fiddling with the locks…

My heart raced, I jumped from my seat and immediately turned on the lights outside. Luckily I was just in the living room, where I could hear even the slightest bits of noises. I was scared to open the window to see who or what it was that’s causing the noise – so I just stood still, behind my door, waiting for it to fling open and readying my escape plan. I tried to figure out the shapes and silhouettes outside, squinted my eye against the opaque window just to make sure nobody or nothing was standing in front of my door. I saw no figure, I saw no movements, and I heard no noise.

Just the beat of my heart about to jump out of my chest… even the cat tried to see who was outside. But it was total silence. Until now that I’m writing this, it just happened 30 minutes ago and still, total silence…

Now, I can’t seem to sleep. I’m scared to fall asleep I might not wake up anymore. Or worst, I might wake with someone looming over me or with an excruciating pain that I was stabbed or shot or something. Blood all over me… gross.

I don’t want to die like that. I want to die peacefully, and quick. No pain.

Who’s going to take care of my cat when I’m gone???

I’ve got a job interview today, for a BLOGGER position. Nice, eh? So I went online to check the company’s profile. It’s an IT offshore company and I don’t really know what they are up to with regards to products and sevices. I was just interested in finding out the job descriptions so I could prepare for the exam and possible questions during interview.

The obvious things: must finish a four year course, proficient in speaking and writing english, grammatically correct, ability to adjust to flexible hours, hardworking, and fast learner and adept in SEO strategies.

OK. What was that again? SEO STRATEGIES?

Now that I don’t know. I searched it online and saw that it’s an abbreviation for Search Engine Optimization. Too technical?

It’s basically your effectivity in generating income through ads and being ranked number ONE in search engine results such as in google, yahoo, ask.jeeves and alta vista.

I was quite skeptical before about people getting rich through the internet like the google brothers (or was that the yahoo brothers?). How could you possibly get money through putting up a website and then just write and write and write? Quite ignorant, am i?

Little did I know that it has to do with advertising. The same principles that govern the television and radios are the same principals that are behind the money in internet. Advertisers would want to market their products on your website if you get more than 500,000 visitors a month. Now in internet language, they refer to this as clicks. How many clicks you get on your website. And some website really generate to as much as 1 million clicks in less than a month! Or more than that. Amazing, isn’t it?

Now how do you get people to go and visit your website and give you their most elusive clicks? I also researched on that and I’ve come up with some answers which are basically obvious but i’ll say it anyways.

Tell people. Of course tell your friends. Get the word out. Come visit my site.
Advertise. Append your web site address in your email signatures. In your Friendster even. Just everytime you make a transaction append your web address.
Submit your site to search engines – google, yahoo, alta vista, netcape, etc…
Strategically place keywords on your content that would be highlighted and you think that it’s what people are going to search for. Like LOVE, money, or anything as long as you don’t compromise your web content.

For more tips regarding search engine optimization and what really is it aside from my mediocre description. Visit this site. It’s like SEO in a nutshell.

Now, ask me if this is really working. Well, I did place ads on my blog. I signed up for Adsense and it’s really quite doing well! Considering that only few people know about my blog, I generated an income of $0.24 USD in just 4 days. Yeah that is small but the world doesn’t end right there. It’s continuous and so is the internet traffic, and so is me consistently updating my blog, and in time – I’ll get a check all worth my efforts. For just doing what I like. The check is a long shot since I live here in the Philippines but who knows.

So, go and place ads on your website. Also contribute articles on Helium, except that I don’t have a credit card account so I can’t activate my PayPal account, I have 0.10USD there already. I earn points everytime someone clicks on my articles. Nice, right?

The more clicks the more money! Money! Money!

p.s.

please don’t forget to click on the advertisements on your screen. Your donations will go to my fund, the imee cariaga kawawa charity.

Thanks and mabuhay!