"Associative Looseness"

i feel your heart beating fast

i hear you breathe on my hair

i grasp your being with me

your tenderness and softness

you are a wonder to my eyes

i never thought i could find

my soul had wandered far from here

yet, i found you near


here


inside


my heart

We started speaking,
Looked at each other, then turned away.
The tears kept rising to my eyes.
But I could not weep.
I wanted to take your hand
But my hand trembled.
You kept counting the days
Before we should meet again.
But both of us felt in our hearts
That we parted for ever and ever.
The ticking of the little clock filled the quiet room.
"Listen," I said. "It is so loud,
Like a horse galloping on a lonely road,
As loud as a horse galloping past in the night."
You shut me up in your arms.
But the sound of the clock stifled our hearts' beating.
You said, "I cannot go: all that is living of me
Is here for ever and ever."
Then you went.
The world changed. The sound of the clock grew fainter,
Dwindled away, became a minute thing.
I whispered in the darkness. "If it stops, I shall die."

Yearning to live through it all
That one day I will live and fallIn your arms
I shall lay
In your presence I shall breathe
In your love I shall live
Never thought such a feeling
Unrewarded by honesty and faith
Goodness nips my veins
Glad, I hear myself whisper
Contented, I felt my body sigh
Visions of you sinful being
So powerfully deceiving
My blood jumps out of my mind
My eyes intensely fixed to yours
Memorizing each silhouette of your face
My hands caressing your tenderness
My lips touching skillfully your wholeness
I demand nothing from you
I ask only for your grace
Let me love you my own way…

I came from a friend’s house this morning, went there straight from work last night. The house was somewhere north so I had to take the MRT going to work. I went to the oldies/women’s section, it was not so crowded as I expected at 9 in the morning, I even had a seat, but didn’t have the chance to give it up for the pregnant lady cos the girl beside me beat me to it. So I contented myself with making palinga-linga like stupid looking at people. Observing them.

All of the passengers have Libre Newpspaper. Sitting, standing, leaning, even nakabitin they are all reading the newspaper.I saw what one girl was reading, Dolly Carvajal’s article about Yilmaz and Ruffa and the turkish newspaper with a headline Uyupturucu Kacakisinn Odlu Flypynler Unlu Aktrstyyle Evlendy, in english –Smuggler’s Son gets married to a famous Philippine Actress. So, naturally, the scorned Ruffa filed a complaint againts Carvajal saying she shouldn’t judge Yilmaz, blah and blahber. Anyways, read the whole article if you want here.

So, I made linga-linga again like stupid, and the other girl was reading this little green book with a weird title, 38 Judoki Elementary Edition. It was intriguing, at first I thought it was a guide book for teachers in elementary. Then I got to peeked in a little, turns out it’s a pseudo-sudoki type board game how-to’s. *sigh*

Then the train stopped at Kamuning, in comes a petite, fair girl; amidst the siksikan she managed to get the bitin spot right in front of me. So, having my view blocked I proceeded on scrutinizing every piece of her. She was wearing a 2-inch-pin heeled slip on sandals, no pedicure but her toenails are clean. Her feet are a little large for her body figure, she stands maybe 5’1 but her feet seems size 7, or 7+. She had those veins that pop out when you’re standing on heels for too long. I thought only women like me have those dorsal veins popping out, having no care for the feet at all (not even a single foot spa) and walking long distances. She has scar-less legs, I think even hair-less. She has this garterized striped-ala-samba skirt above the knee and a black off the shoulders top with a not so transparent plastic bra strap. She has long hair that reaches to her waist, and one shoulder bag and one paper bag. The paper bag contains 2 to 3 pouches of maybe make-up, a small organizer, a box of tissues and a folded umbrella.

Then a woman and her kid sort of bumped into her and in the stillness of the MRT we heard a very Paris Hilton like “Ouch!” So, this girl is very very much maarte. Why did she take the MRT if she doesn’t want people bumping into her? I wanted to hit her right in the middle of her legs like you would a guy, to teach her a lesson. But. Oh well. She was reading Libre, the whole train ride, nakabitin and all, she was unmindful of her skirt being pulled by gravity or something else. Her belly was exposed same as her white undies. I was thinking maybe she put that on purpose, to arouse the guys? So, seeing that she’s very fair and has nice skin I figured her belly was also the same. BUT upon closer examination, her belly is just like mine! She has this rolled out skin that you get when you lose weight, and I also noticed white-silvery-grayish lines…hmmm…stretch marks. So maybe she’s older than she looks, maybe she has a kid already.

Anyways, next stop was mine so I stood up. She sat in my seat still reading.Hablutin ko kaya bag niya? Mahahabol niya kaya ako? Hehehe Arte, arte. Dapat nagtataxi ka na lang. Hmp!

There’s this guy two desks away from me at the office, he’s a very big, mustache American guy, who speaks on the phone as if the whole floor was his office! We could overhear everything he’s saying, even his burp…that’s how loud he is. It’s funny sometimes, like this one time he was trying to get to someone and a receptionist got his call. Then the receptionist tried to connect him to the person but the line got cut so he called again and got the same receptionist, this time the receptionist told him to hold, which he did, then the line went dead. Then he called again, now a little pissed, the same receptionist got the call again, after so much so- and so, and him telling “This is the worst receptionist, ever!”, she gave him the contact number of the person, who turned out was not in the office at that time. We were laughing our hearts out just by listening.

Then every morning he would bring in donuts, preferable Krispy Crème that Mr. Donuts (?) He would offer it to everyone but I wouldn’t dare touch it, I just don’t like eating his food. Maybe at the back of my mind I’m scared getting so big like him. He’s really obese, he walks like a penguin, and I’m guessing he doesn’t fit in the revolving door anymore. But he’s a nice guy. It’s just funny observing him and listening in on his telephone calls. As one girl office mate would say it, “ang ligalig niya”.

in the stillness of the night, i can hear you breathing
amidst the roaring of the a/c i can feel your heart beating
... slowly...
reminding me of the angel sleeping in my arms (yes, you are real)
... i cud see your smiling face in the dark (faint glow of the dancing candles
reveals your elegance)
... i was filled with great delight, with your presence (lingering
... as still as the stars in the night.
... hence, these sheets...
covering our nakedness from the four corners of the room
wrapping ecstacy with every part of it
a sole witness (except for the pillows, the candles, the hissing a/c)

... of one night's eternal bliss...


*safriati & psyche23 *

I was waiting for the company shuttle at a gasoline station this morning. I pulled one of the chairs of the convenient store and sat even without ordering anything. There were only a few chairs so some customers were standing, but they’re really not eating or anything, they were also waiting for something like me. but then something got my attention, seated infront of me was a couple. Judging by their clothes I definitely say she’s a saleslady in SM and he’s a messenger aboard a motorbike. The guy brought with him some puto and kutsinta and the girl bought coffee on styro from the convenient store. Let’s just say they’re not really a pretty couple, though the girl is fair, but the guy…hmmm he’s very dark, short and pimply. Plus he was wearing a red jacket on a hot morning and drinking hot coffee so imagine the sweat trailing down from his hair to his face, and his forehead, now continue imagining the smell J Anyways, seeing that her boyfriend (I say boyfriend because they don’t have wedding rings…but come to think of it, most couples don’t usually keep a wedding ring especially during trying times.) So her boyfriend was sweating like a bull, you know what she did? She wiped the boyfriend’s forehead with her palm (pimples and all), Some may find it yucky and unhygienic but I found it very sweet. Most people doesn’t know the wonders of tissue paper yet, and seeing the sweat trickling down his temples she acted on instinct, on compassion, on caring, and on love.

I guess I was filled with the emotion that I wished I had the guts to act on instinct too, even on a public place. To see an emotion as raw as that and right up to my face, who wouldn’t feel anything? That was the real meaning of PDA, showing affection; not showing desire through kissing and lust through groping.

But I must say, the Regine-Ogie thingy that I saw on tsismis yesterday overwhelmed me. They really seem to be in love. And I am happy for them (feeling close?). The way Ogie publicly admitted he loves her, and how Regine also publicly acknowledged her love for him and saying that their relationship is very important to her. It’s like a begging statement to the press saying don’t try to break us up, please… And during the concert of Ogie where Regine went to watch, they had their first public kiss, twice. Yeah I know it’s corny and all but they really looked so inlove. Anyways, I wish them well.

So the thing is, Love is still essential to our lives. Regardless of looks and the status quo… every bit of affection showing is, I must say courageous, and insticntive. And I wish for myself, to be able to do those things and not be ashamed. Not continuously looking over my shoulder aware of the prying eyes.

So, the saleslady and the messenger couple rode off in his red motorcycle, he dropped her off at the overpass going to SM. When the girl got off, she went back and gave him a hug and a quick kiss. I smiled. I wish they could stay like that for the rest of their lives.

A thing called reality hit me hard on the head last night
that bolted doors with keys and lock does not suffice
to hide the person that is truly inside.

Blogging Blogging
That's all i've been doing
Nothing really matters
Just the words that i utter
and transform into a wonder
ful piece of s**t
And then read it again
and again
and then i get sore
and then hate it
and then delete it.
That's it.

I know no bounds
Maker of everything
Exquisite and
Eccentric

Caricatures And Realizations, Inept, Attune, Ghastly Associative looseness.

Egga nga tawe ta limbo. Mal-i-ligo y paningan ku. Sika-paguta nga ta masingan ku ira nga totolay. Aru laman y kuku-an da. Pirmi y pangi-rurumen da niakan. Mataki y futu. Mat-tatangi y inango ku. Aran-ni ngana nga mawawan y pagin-nolay ku.

Egga nga tawe ta livun. Mad-dadaga y talinga ta ziga na pag-gina, ta uvovug da nga mule. Awan tu marakay ta nab-balinan ko.

LITTLE GIRL
May 14, 2003

There was once a little girl in a far away little town. Her family loved her dearly that they did all chores for her. They pampered her like a princess. They gave her little silk red dresses to wear; they gave her little red shoes to match the silk dress; they put red ribbons on her hair… but all because she’s the only one who has golden hair. Every time they are in need, they take one strand from her locks and sell it. Once again they are the most prestigious family in the little town; once again they are respected and well known; once again their reputation was maintained.


The little girl with the golden hair didn’t mind the taking of her hair. “It only happens once in a while”, she said, “and they need it badly, it’s the only way I can help and make them happy”.
However, the little girl was not allowed to go out without any of her family accompanying her. For her family feared that the people might take advantage of her golden hair and take some for themselves. So every time she goes out, which is only to attend functions that her family set up for her, she was with an escort. With this, the little girl earned no friends; she would just watch the children playing in the field from her little desk at the school. She’s not allowed to join them, they might take her hair, they said, and in doing so will harm her.

The children in the field would stop while playing and look at her. They would take glimpses of her golden hair and talk with each other.
“Her hair is so beautifully golden, wish I have hair like that”, said one girl.
“But she doesn’t seem happy”, said another.
“And she can’t play with us. I rather have my black hair and be able to play with you than her golden hair and be stuck in the room like that”, said another girl again.
Then the first girl agreed, “Yes, I’d rather have my black hair. But she’s lucky nonetheless”.
They all looked at each other then innocently shrug off their shoulders. They don’t care anymore. They just want to play again. And fast they ran around the field, laughing, black hair flying reflecting the sun’s rays, cheeks flushed with pink…

“Ah, they seem so happy,” the little girl, said. Silently eating her sandwich, “I can run faster than them”, she thought, a little smile forming on her little face, her eyes glowed with gladness as she patiently follow the children playing in the field with just her stare. Then a soft wind blew, a strand of her golden hair fell on her face. “Oh, if only I don’t have this golden hair I would be able to show those children I could run faster than them”. But another thought came too, “But I wont be able to make my family happy and love me the way they are loving me now if I don’t have this golden hair”. A deep sigh came out of her little mouth as she mutters, “If only”.

As time goes by, the little girl didn’t notice but her hair became fewer and fewer. Until the time, she completely became bald. Her family became so scared of what’s going to happen to the little girl. They tried to hide her in the house and won’t let other people see her. They were saddened by the situation but there’s nothing else they can do. Disgusted by her appearance, with no hair and all, the little girl was terrified. How will her family love her now? There is no way she could earn such love without her golden hair. She sat on her bed deeply in thought… then she somehow felt it is a blessing in disguise, she no longer have the burden of carrying such wanted treasure and that she no longer hold the jewel her family only wants from her (she thinks). She can go out now without the worry of having her hair stolen. Her family would let her wander the world and discover it on her own. It is time to be herself without the golden hair.

She talked to her family. She said she wants to go out. She said she wants to live her life the way she wants it to be. She said since she doesn’t have the golden hair anymore nobody would care about her. Nobody would dare harm her.
“But the people doesn’t know you lost all your golden hair, yet!” her family sneered.
“It would be such a shame to let you walk the streets without your golden hair!”
“How about your reputation? The family’s prestige? They would all laugh at us when they found out you don’t have the golden hair anymore!”
“It would be embarrassing to watch people laugh at you for being bald”
“No, you are not going out. You will never leave this house. You will remain hidden from the people. You just have to make do with what you have in this house!”

Slowly, tears flowed down the little girl’s porcelain cheeks. Her eyes as still as she looks at her family, with firm voice she spoke to them. “I can take the people’s criticism, their mockery, their judgment – for I don’t care about anything they say. I don’t know them. They can laugh at me all they want but it won’t hurt me. The only thing I care about ever since is your happiness, that’s why I kept my golden hair and took good care of it was because it was the only thing that could make you happy beyond my existence. But it’s all gone now. Nobody could bring it back anymore. I cannot grow it back anymore for it has taken its toll. I don’t blame you for taking it all away; I blame myself for not having enough golden hair to keep you happy for the rest of your life… or my life. I thought that is the essence of being a family, having a family – making each other happy. But why are you ashamed of me now that I don’t make you happy anymore? Why are you ashamed of what I have become? Why do you mock me and want to hide me away from the people so your reputation wouldn’t be tarnished?

“Why do you want to subject our family with the people’s ridicule? Do you not pity us for what will become of us once everybody knew you lost your golden hair? That you are bald now? Do you not care about us at all?

“Don’t you think that this is hard for me? I am the one who lost the golden hair. I will be the one subjected to ridicule. I am the one people would laugh at. But I came to terms with that already. I am willing to go through life with that, with the people’s contempt. But how can I do that if my own family scorns me for what I have become? The family that I dedicated my whole life to, mortifies me… This is who I am now. This is what I am now. Bald. Shouldn’t you be glad for me that I am brave? That I am courageous? That I am my own self, now? Shouldn’t you?”

Silence…

The cold morning air blows softly at her cheeks, whispering words of isolation; all the while the sun’s ray of morning light starts to hit her with valor to continue the battle and go forth with her journey. The little girl, now without the golden hair, put on a little knitted bonnet to protect her self from the forces she’s going to encounter along her way. She looks at their little house as if a stranger looking in. She fears that they will not forgive her for what she is going to do.

She will go away. A place far from her little town where everybody knew everybody. She will discover the world and what the world can offer a bald little girl. She will ride high with the clouds, dance with the stars and be happy. A place where nobody is going to judge her for not having the golden hair anymore; a place where she could remove her knitted bonnet and be the bald little girl that she is now; a place where she could play with the other children not minding her golden hair and the children not minding who she is; a place where she could freely go to any point not accompanied by anyone who constantly reminds her that she’s being watched; a place where she could lazily doze off under the sun and wake up when the moon is taking her place in the skies; a place where she could be herself… where she could be happy, at last.

Aghast by the realization of their selfishness, they shed tears of repentance. Proud as they are they love the little girl dearly. Not because of her golden locks, or pinkish cheeks, or her elegant stature. They love her because she is their little girl; she is a part of them; she is their family. Same is the blood that is running through their veins… same blood that is now a stain in a little red room.

- Safrati -