"Associative Looseness"

LITTLE GIRL
May 14, 2003

There was once a little girl in a far away little town. Her family loved her dearly that they did all chores for her. They pampered her like a princess. They gave her little silk red dresses to wear; they gave her little red shoes to match the silk dress; they put red ribbons on her hair… but all because she’s the only one who has golden hair. Every time they are in need, they take one strand from her locks and sell it. Once again they are the most prestigious family in the little town; once again they are respected and well known; once again their reputation was maintained.


The little girl with the golden hair didn’t mind the taking of her hair. “It only happens once in a while”, she said, “and they need it badly, it’s the only way I can help and make them happy”.
However, the little girl was not allowed to go out without any of her family accompanying her. For her family feared that the people might take advantage of her golden hair and take some for themselves. So every time she goes out, which is only to attend functions that her family set up for her, she was with an escort. With this, the little girl earned no friends; she would just watch the children playing in the field from her little desk at the school. She’s not allowed to join them, they might take her hair, they said, and in doing so will harm her.

The children in the field would stop while playing and look at her. They would take glimpses of her golden hair and talk with each other.
“Her hair is so beautifully golden, wish I have hair like that”, said one girl.
“But she doesn’t seem happy”, said another.
“And she can’t play with us. I rather have my black hair and be able to play with you than her golden hair and be stuck in the room like that”, said another girl again.
Then the first girl agreed, “Yes, I’d rather have my black hair. But she’s lucky nonetheless”.
They all looked at each other then innocently shrug off their shoulders. They don’t care anymore. They just want to play again. And fast they ran around the field, laughing, black hair flying reflecting the sun’s rays, cheeks flushed with pink…

“Ah, they seem so happy,” the little girl, said. Silently eating her sandwich, “I can run faster than them”, she thought, a little smile forming on her little face, her eyes glowed with gladness as she patiently follow the children playing in the field with just her stare. Then a soft wind blew, a strand of her golden hair fell on her face. “Oh, if only I don’t have this golden hair I would be able to show those children I could run faster than them”. But another thought came too, “But I wont be able to make my family happy and love me the way they are loving me now if I don’t have this golden hair”. A deep sigh came out of her little mouth as she mutters, “If only”.

As time goes by, the little girl didn’t notice but her hair became fewer and fewer. Until the time, she completely became bald. Her family became so scared of what’s going to happen to the little girl. They tried to hide her in the house and won’t let other people see her. They were saddened by the situation but there’s nothing else they can do. Disgusted by her appearance, with no hair and all, the little girl was terrified. How will her family love her now? There is no way she could earn such love without her golden hair. She sat on her bed deeply in thought… then she somehow felt it is a blessing in disguise, she no longer have the burden of carrying such wanted treasure and that she no longer hold the jewel her family only wants from her (she thinks). She can go out now without the worry of having her hair stolen. Her family would let her wander the world and discover it on her own. It is time to be herself without the golden hair.

She talked to her family. She said she wants to go out. She said she wants to live her life the way she wants it to be. She said since she doesn’t have the golden hair anymore nobody would care about her. Nobody would dare harm her.
“But the people doesn’t know you lost all your golden hair, yet!” her family sneered.
“It would be such a shame to let you walk the streets without your golden hair!”
“How about your reputation? The family’s prestige? They would all laugh at us when they found out you don’t have the golden hair anymore!”
“It would be embarrassing to watch people laugh at you for being bald”
“No, you are not going out. You will never leave this house. You will remain hidden from the people. You just have to make do with what you have in this house!”

Slowly, tears flowed down the little girl’s porcelain cheeks. Her eyes as still as she looks at her family, with firm voice she spoke to them. “I can take the people’s criticism, their mockery, their judgment – for I don’t care about anything they say. I don’t know them. They can laugh at me all they want but it won’t hurt me. The only thing I care about ever since is your happiness, that’s why I kept my golden hair and took good care of it was because it was the only thing that could make you happy beyond my existence. But it’s all gone now. Nobody could bring it back anymore. I cannot grow it back anymore for it has taken its toll. I don’t blame you for taking it all away; I blame myself for not having enough golden hair to keep you happy for the rest of your life… or my life. I thought that is the essence of being a family, having a family – making each other happy. But why are you ashamed of me now that I don’t make you happy anymore? Why are you ashamed of what I have become? Why do you mock me and want to hide me away from the people so your reputation wouldn’t be tarnished?

“Why do you want to subject our family with the people’s ridicule? Do you not pity us for what will become of us once everybody knew you lost your golden hair? That you are bald now? Do you not care about us at all?

“Don’t you think that this is hard for me? I am the one who lost the golden hair. I will be the one subjected to ridicule. I am the one people would laugh at. But I came to terms with that already. I am willing to go through life with that, with the people’s contempt. But how can I do that if my own family scorns me for what I have become? The family that I dedicated my whole life to, mortifies me… This is who I am now. This is what I am now. Bald. Shouldn’t you be glad for me that I am brave? That I am courageous? That I am my own self, now? Shouldn’t you?”

Silence…

The cold morning air blows softly at her cheeks, whispering words of isolation; all the while the sun’s ray of morning light starts to hit her with valor to continue the battle and go forth with her journey. The little girl, now without the golden hair, put on a little knitted bonnet to protect her self from the forces she’s going to encounter along her way. She looks at their little house as if a stranger looking in. She fears that they will not forgive her for what she is going to do.

She will go away. A place far from her little town where everybody knew everybody. She will discover the world and what the world can offer a bald little girl. She will ride high with the clouds, dance with the stars and be happy. A place where nobody is going to judge her for not having the golden hair anymore; a place where she could remove her knitted bonnet and be the bald little girl that she is now; a place where she could play with the other children not minding her golden hair and the children not minding who she is; a place where she could freely go to any point not accompanied by anyone who constantly reminds her that she’s being watched; a place where she could lazily doze off under the sun and wake up when the moon is taking her place in the skies; a place where she could be herself… where she could be happy, at last.

Aghast by the realization of their selfishness, they shed tears of repentance. Proud as they are they love the little girl dearly. Not because of her golden locks, or pinkish cheeks, or her elegant stature. They love her because she is their little girl; she is a part of them; she is their family. Same is the blood that is running through their veins… same blood that is now a stain in a little red room.

- Safrati -