"Associative Looseness"

September 16, 2007
2:00 AM

It rained a while ago; its heavy downpour gave this arid feeling and the smell of freshly watered dry soil. I turned off the lights inside the house, except for the little bulb in the kitchen. I don’t need light; the one coming from my laptop was already enough. I usually turn off the light outside my apartment, the one lighting my door, for at this time of the night nobody would be walking anymore, nobody would be awake anymore, except me… but I was wrong.

My roommate left this afternoon to visit her family. So I was left alone in the apartment, with the cat. I’ve been quite comfortable with this arrangement since I am a night owl and I usually do my work at nights and I go to bed really late. So being alone at nights somehow gave me my privacy and solace to think and study. I liked my nights alone, I like having the apartment all by myself, I like answering to nobody but myself… until the banging came.

The lights were off inside and outside; I was busy studying with my laptop. The cat was fooling around trying to bite my bag and I was shooing her away… when all of a sudden the chains on my door rattled, then I heard someone or something trying to push open my door, fiddling with the locks…

My heart raced, I jumped from my seat and immediately turned on the lights outside. Luckily I was just in the living room, where I could hear even the slightest bits of noises. I was scared to open the window to see who or what it was that’s causing the noise – so I just stood still, behind my door, waiting for it to fling open and readying my escape plan. I tried to figure out the shapes and silhouettes outside, squinted my eye against the opaque window just to make sure nobody or nothing was standing in front of my door. I saw no figure, I saw no movements, and I heard no noise.

Just the beat of my heart about to jump out of my chest… even the cat tried to see who was outside. But it was total silence. Until now that I’m writing this, it just happened 30 minutes ago and still, total silence…

Now, I can’t seem to sleep. I’m scared to fall asleep I might not wake up anymore. Or worst, I might wake with someone looming over me or with an excruciating pain that I was stabbed or shot or something. Blood all over me… gross.

I don’t want to die like that. I want to die peacefully, and quick. No pain.

Who’s going to take care of my cat when I’m gone???